The Lessons We Learn

     In therapy one learns all about the many lessons our parents taught us verbally and non-verbally. The very example and energy they exude has a long lasting effect on their children. We spend part of our adult life identifying and then altering these lessons to reflect who we want to be authentically. A lot of the lessons we learn as kids may not fit into our adult lives and in fact may be a hindrance. Therapy is an excellent way to uncover our personal uniqueness and integrate our parent role models into that uniqueness.

     A non-verbal lesson I have been reflecting on for some time is the example my Mom and my Aunt Ann taught us about sibling bonds. My Aunt Ann has three daughters and my Mom has three sons. I cannot remember a specific time the two ladies sat us all down and explained how important it is to love your siblings but they demonstrated that through their devotion to each other their entire lives. My Mom and Aunt had a thorny childhood with troubled parents. In spite of that stressful and untenable situation, they remained extremely tight knit and devoted to each other. 
     We spent every major holiday with my Aunt and her family. We were very closely knit and on the Cottone side, we loved seeing the Gallo family and spending time with them. In a sense it was exactly the balance our family needed. My Father is calmed by feminine energy. The Gallo family was a lot of estrogen and it was obvious in how my Dad interacted with his nieces. 

     Normally in Italian families there is some kind of rift or drama. My Mother and Aunt never had that. They were never "not speaking" or "taking a break" or "needed to work things out". They were a united front. Whether they meant to project that or not. The influence of that subconscious lesson is evident in my life now. I am always looking for my brothers and my cousins. I am always making sure they are OK and if they aren't how I can get in the middle of things to help out. 

     There are so many examples of unbreakable sibling bond between my Mother and Aunt. I will never forget or take lightly that when my Mom began her chemo treatments, my Aunt bought herself a bracelet that marked each chemo treatment my Mom endured and was present for all of them. My Aunt came back to the house to see for herself that Mom would be OK and didn't need anything and to be a watchful eye. Knowing my Aunt was there helped me as a son to exhale and do whatever my Mother needed next. I shared with my Aunt the darkness that hung over me when Mom was diagnosed, and she confirmed that she too felt the heaviness and the darkness in a way she had never felt before. Many times I called my Aunt to make sure she and I were pushing my Mom to fight on and I took reassurance that my Aunt would accept nothing less. 

     Both women are very private and I don't want to expound too much on other details that demonstrate their unbreakable bond, but needless to say we spent many vacations and Sunday dinners together enjoying life. Most remarkable is the example that siblings do not let anything come between them or divide them. We were raised to be in the thick of it together. My three cousins are more like my sisters, I know my brothers feel the same way. As we get more mature and face different aspects of life together, I know that when things get difficult and shit hits the fan, as I turn around I am bumping into them as we take on challenges together. I will never forget the evening my Mother passed away and the aftermath. My brothers, cousins, Father and Aunt were all united the way a family should be. If we can reflect on the patterns that have created limiting beliefs in our lives, it stands to reason we must celebrate the patterns that help us enjoy life and enjoy family. Ultimately, we only have each other.