First Saturday Morning Off

This is my first Saturday morning off in years. Four years to be exact. I have no yoga class to teach anywhere and no reason why I cancelled a yoga class or got a sub for one. I am just home. This is very discomforting for me. It's 8:30 am and I am already starting to worry about how I will fill my day. Without a doubt there will be a yoga practice for me and a yoga video made to be put up on my Google Classroom for my yoga students. It is days like this I feel very single. I feel the deep pang of being a single gay man in his forties. There are certain days and times when it feels more apparent. Now I will have to busy myself at home. Of course I can clean, sort, and organize. I can even redecorate if I like. I can post content to both my Google Classrooms. I can read the multitude of books that are laying around my apartment. I can cook and bake. All these activities will likely remind me of just how single I am. I can discuss all this in therapy today, however, it will always reset back to the silence. There are so many parents who would love to have time to themselves. For a person who feels like they are always alone, quiet time can cause anxiety. I sure will meditate and journal. At the end of the mediation and writing I will still be in the silence. All these tools mitigate and dissipate the feeling of isolation. There is a definite improvement in mindset and mood, no doubt. When you grow up in a big family where there was always noise and activity, it is difficult to not feel alien in a quiet, single life. This week in my yoga classes (online) the theme is No Challenge No Change. This is my challenge. Learning to relax and enjoy the silence. Learning to find the beauty within inactivity. I don't take pleasure in watching television for hours on end. I love certain shows, but I don't love seeing the passing of time without being creative or active. I know where that began. My Mom, may she rest in peace, used to always get us up early and tell us to get out and enjoy the sunshine and fill the day! That was such good advice. However, I am always looking to please someone, so I took it too far. Now I cannot just relax. For today, I promise to be active. I promise to practice yoga, and create content for my studio. I promise to journal and meditate. I promise to go to therapy. I promise myself that creating is not a curse. I will also take time to enjoy some peace. I have classical music playing right now and it is calming my nerves. For my many students across the disciplines, I promise to get in deeper touch with my center and my "why". The more I know about myself, the more I can help my students. The best I can do for myself is to not be judgmental and cruel to myself. I can try to not feel guilty about relaxing. I can still achieve while relaxing. This is all wired to my physical mentality as well. I can remind myself that the practice is what matters, not what I want to get out of the practice. Yoga will bring me what I need, and I may not know what that is, but it is coming. The practice doesn't have to be exhausting to be beneficial. Then again there is the question: Who am I trying to please? No matter what, yoga will benefit my internal and external self. It is ineluctable.