What is your backstory?

     In acting a vital component of the Art form is the appreciation for the backstory of a character. An engaging and imaginative performance is driven by assuming as many components of said backstory as possible. As I am going through my forties, I wonder, how much of my backstory is still necessary? Was it ever? 

     Once we sit down and reflect on our childhood we see patterns and we see our backstory. How much of that "play" is still necessary? Yes, I am the middle child and gay son in my family. Yes, there was bullying and teasing at school, sometimes a lot. Do I need any of that now? My parents liked to be the authority in my life and held onto their ability to say "no" to seemingly everything. Is that still something I need to cling to? 

     I am very musical, creative, brilliant, and multi-talented....yet I cling to the difficulties as if they were a security blanket. A moldy security blanket with a lot of holes. How is it possible that my backstory doesn't also include all the many victories and achievements in my life? How is it possible that I don't lead from security and conviction, knowing that I have always achieved what I have set out to do? Is my backstory outdated and obsolete?? Yes! There are lessons learned from it that I won't soon forget, but I have to release the negative overtones that keep resonating through me. 

     My Mother taught us: Expect the worst and when it doesn't happen, be grateful. Literally. That was the philosophy she taught us. While that taught us to prepare ourselves and be circumspect for all outcomes, it definitely taught us to be stingy, fearful, meek, and apologizing. I have learned from that philosophy to look at a situation from all sides and to not be blinded by my desires. The rest of the lessons from that philosophy need to be flushed away into history.

     This philosophy limited my scope for myself. Always choosing the easier path, even though a lot of the things I have done in my life most people won't set out to do. I mix carefulness into everything and never fully take a naked chance. I have a set criteria that I want a potential partner to meet. While that might sound like good planning, it is actually a limiting behavior. Who says I know what I want and need? In the past, what has that list yielded me? How has following what I say I need and want led me to a good place? Release the backstory. With the exception of taking on a rescue cat, my beloved Lester, when has my list of wants and needs checked out?

     My Father taught us impatience and disconnection. The negative connotations of that are obvious. However, they are still hard lessons to unlearn. Impatience towards everything and everyone no matter how innocent. Disconnection because you are too selfish to actually care about the existences of the world around you because you are focused on the fact that no one is paying attention to you. These two lessons are woven into the fabric of too many people and too many decisions we make. I am cognizant of them and have worked against them for years. It's time to drop that backstory and write my own.

     I don't mean to change the given circumstances of my life thus far, only how I respond to similar stimuli. I can change the way I respond to my backstory any time I damn well please. Watch me. Please comment on the blog if you have any thoughts or reflections you would like to share.